Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sometimes, I am prone to some seriously crippling self-doubt. The kind that sabotages my work in how it tricks me out of being as productive as I need to be. The kind that makes me question whether or not I deserve the kind of happiness I've been experiencing lately. The kind that makes me wonder if my friends, boyfriend and what have you will even want to love me in a week, month, year.
I don't know how to reconcile what I know to be true with this darkness that sweeps over me from time to time. Occasionally, I can identify how it stems from something else that's bothering me -- stress about work and stability will make me question whether Alex is loving me just as much today as he did yesterday. (Yes, I know that it MAKES NO SENSE.)
Taking a magnifying glass to the last couple of days, I look at the factors that are causing me to doubt just about everything right now: some slip-ups at work make me feel like I can't hack it, busy schedules and tired bodies mean Alex and I haven't talked as much and I feel a bit neglected, the realization that for living in this area as long as I have, I haven't exactly made many friends (the fault is me not putting myself out there enough), and an upcoming trip has me fretting about saving enough money.
All of these things are so minor, but create a drama that's so unnecessary, so much bigger than it ought to be. I KNOW I'm doing fine at work, I KNOW things are great with Alex, I KNOW I can make friends (just need to go be social - what a concept) and I KNOW I'll have more than enough for all of my needs/wants even with this trip.
So why do I worry still? Why do I doubt myself? Why must I fret?
I like to believe my desire to see the bigger picture in life can sometimes be overwhelming - that the reason I sweat the small stuff is because at times, I don't see the big stuff. I'm literally missing the forest for the trees. But stepping back, and wiping away my nervous, anxiety-fraught tears, my vision's a bit clearer:
Things are fine. Truly just fine.
And as simple as that statement is, it has such a profound effect on me when I really allow myself to absorb its truth.