Thursday, January 22, 2009


I wish I could find the enthusiasm and motivation to climb some mountains. Significant ones.

"Escape" seems a little too . . . unattainable, and frankly, not all that desireable. Really, just some genuine retreat would be nice. I'm burning out and I can feel it settling into my heart, my body and the way I'm looking at the world. I know I'm pressuring myself to take on a lot of big challenges and my environment isn't conducive to my success, but I still try.

Right now, I just need respite. Even though I'm going to Fresno this weekend, I'm not going to see rest. I have people to visit and stuff to do, which still manages to creep that little bit of extra pressure . . .

I'm looking forward to the drive. Just over two hours to myself. Me, my iPod, and the road . . . where I can really unwind. I'm reaching the tipping point with running. Where it's becoming so much of a habit that it's hard to take "rest" days and NOT run . . . This is exciting. I had that a few months ago, but somehow, distraction, getting sick and overall apathy sunk in and it's been that much harder to get back into it.

I have much to be thankful for, but with the pressure I've been putting myself under, I feel hostile, easily upset and annoyed most of the time.

I hate this feeling.

I pray for clarity, strength and release. Every day gets a little easier, for the most part, but it's reminding myself that the day isn't over yet that often gets hard and challenges my attitude that much more.

Jake and I have a date night on Saturday night. Dinner and hang out time. Hopefully, just some nice, quiet time to talk and relax. I'm so looking forward to it, it almost makes me cry. No joke.

I don't know when I became such an introvert, but it's here and (it would seem) here to stay. I find people draining and over-stimulating at times and right now, I'd love to take a people-vacation. The idea of curling up in bed and sleeping for a week sounds pretty darn amazing. Maybe next Saturday I'll spend some time in Monterey . . . That would be lovely.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Simply lovely.

Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

by Pablo Neruda

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Twue Wuv.


Forgive me if you've read this on my Myspace, but I wanted to post some blogs I've written before that sound a little smart. :o)


According to a survey done by Self Magazine, an estimated 6 in 10 women suffer from disordered eating. Sounds a little odd to those of us used to hearing "anorexia" and "bulimia" thrown around as if they are the only eating disorders in existence, but the truth is, most women are aware of the tell-tale behaviors marking those disorders and, in fact, privately practice behaviors that mask their own body-image issues.

Obsessively counting calories, binging in secret, food addiction, full-time dieting, purging and extreme exercising are becoming characteristic in women who are so depressed and loathing of their own body they throw caution to the wind with their health.

27% of women surveyed answered that they would be "extremely upset" if they gained a measly 5 pounds.

16% of women surveyed owned up to having dieted on less than 1,000 calories a day. (Most nutritionists insist on no less than 1,200, and more if you're active.)

Women are starting to take up smoking for weight loss, visiting websites that promote anorexic and bulimic behavior, and weigh themselves obsessively. Absolutely none of the above mentioned behaviors would ever be considered healthy by any doctor.

This article was disturbing. Frightening, even, to think that roughly 6 out of 10 girls/women that I know might be battling demons with their weight. Saddening to think that when I was an RA for 40 girls, 24 of them very well were participating in this kind of behavior.

It creates an honest-to-God ache in my heart to think of this, wondering who was there, crying out for help and if I missed it. At this point in time, though, all I can do is hope and pray for these girls, that they might know peace within themselves and learn to love the body that they've been given to where they seek to take care of themselves rather than deprive, restrict and punish the only body they will ever have.

I was never especially good at science, but I loved human biology. Anatomy, physiology . . . I thought very fondly of going to med school when I was younger. I don't know where the dream changed exactly, but even though I'm not on that route anymore, I still marvel at the amazing mechanics of how the human body works.

It just is so sad that in a society where food is so forced upon us (think about . . . when was the last time you walked a city block and DIDN'T see a fast food place, Starbucks, or other food-related set up), so many women still struggle to maintain a healthy image of themselves.

I'm not without fault here. I know I've had moments where I've been severely disappointed in the number on the scale or felt like for all my healthy habits I had little to show, but I still consider myself fairly well-adjusted. I can only hope that in five years, maybe ten, this number will more than have flipped (as in, 6 in 10 having a healthy image of themselves).

We shall see.

Coffee and hallucinations

According to ABC News this morning, a new study done by researchers at the University of Durham links drinking more than seven cups of coffee daily with the growing likeliness of experiencing hallucinations.

The study, which examined 200 college students and their caffeine habits, found that those taking in an excessive amount of caffeine (what could be equated as 7+ cups of instant coffee) were more likely to hear "voices" as well as being able to sense the presence of dead people.

At this point, the relationship is not considered causal, so it doesn't look like I need to switch to decaf any time soon. But I have to wonder, what would my life look like if I honestly needed to be drinking that much coffee? I can't imagine the hellish existence that comes from continually depriving oneself of an hour of sleep (or more) only to spend that time clutching a cup of coffee as a life preserver of sorts.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I love this little guy. He is the best snuggler in the world. He loves unconditionally, which sounds a little cheesy to say, but honestly, so many humans can take a lesson from dogs like Scooter.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Anywhere but here.

I would so much rather be here right now . . .