Back in the saddle.

Tonight was my first run (well, first time exercising even) since my race . . . Gosh, how I lost that fast! It's been a month (shame on me, I know), but I was astonished at how quickly I tuckered out. It was a simple 2.03 mile loop, but I think I ran about 1.5 miles . . . maybe.

Granted, I'm carrying a few more pounds than I'd like to be (I don't know what encouraged me to keep eating the way I was eating when I was training -- it's not like I was doing anything to work off those calories), but I know those will fall off eventually.

I want to run a half marathon this fall and I want to run it sub-2:15. That would put me at a consistent 10:30/mile, which I could be proud of.

Today was a GREAT day, all things considered. Last night, I stayed awake thinking of my old life in Fresno and missing it terribly, trying to figure out a way that I could go back. I have to wonder if I'm supposed to, though. Aside from my friend Alex, I didn't know anyone when I moved to Fresno. I had to make friends quickly, I had to adjust. I didn't look back.

I have to wonder if I'm not supposed to be going forward still now. That maybe somehow I sabotage my own efforts at working towards a solid future by my self doubt and hangups of my own inadequacies. In a bible study I recently did, Beth Moore (one of my favorite Christian writers) asked women what they felt was the hardest part about being a woman. One answered, "That I am too much and not enough all at the same time." I couldn't agree more.

I'm weak, broken and worn, but I draw strength from the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In the meantime, I try not to worry about tomorrow . . . or next week . . . or the one after that. I know it will happen in due time, in God's time. Whatever "it" is, it will happen. I trust that and keeping that in mind today, in spite of less than 2 hours of sleep, I was cheerful, alert, productive and able to make good choices throughout the day (not just in working out again, but in how I dealt with others and how I chose to respond to situations).

I am stronger than I realize, and yet I still don't seem able to believe it.