Anticipation . . .

A lot has been changing. The last time I wrote, I had gone running to clear my head. Having recently found out that my position within IR would be taking an unfortunate hit from the budget cutbacks. Angry, I ran out some of my stress. It felt good -- I hadn't used running as such a release in a really long time. As my legs moved, it was relieving a load I wasn't aware I was carrying.

Not quite 48 hours later, I get a phone call on my work phone line -- it's Bobby, from my internship two summers ago. He's calling to tell me about a job posting that he'd received and that Julie Strider had thought of me for. It was perfect . . . it had all of my favorite buzz words: communications, organization, media relations, full-time and benefits. So great.

Well, I applied, initially getting a "thank you for your interest" response that said he would contact me the following week. Skeptical at first, I made sure I told my connections back at the barn (the building where I did my internship was an old barn at one point) and told them to cross my fingers. Sure enough, I did hear from Gary (the man hunting for his next employee) the following Tuesday when he asked if I would meet him for coffee the following morning.

I did, thought it went well, and was told he would contact me within a week. Imagine my surprise when he called me that afternoon to ask me if I'd meet with his manager, Shelley, the following morning for coffee. I met Shelley, really felt like she liked me, and received a reply to my thank-you email to her that said Gary would be in touch. The next day, Gary emailed and asked me if I could meet the whole team for coffee the next week. Of course, I said yes.

So after a meeting with the whole team last Wednesday (not even a full two weeks from my first contact with Gary), I got some good feedback from thanking the team -- one woman who even said she thought I'd be a great addition and that she'd be crossing her fingers for me. Gary said he'd be in touch, but didn't give any reference to how soon.

Yesterday (the Monday following our last meeting -- 5 days prior) Gary called me to ask me to apply for the job through the website. I obliged, only to be called by human resources and be told that I hadn't applied correctly. I didn't expect to hear much so soon after correcting my mistake, but I got a call from Gary today confirming that I am "a finalist" for the position -- woohoo! I'm elated. Gary continued to say that he has spoken with human resources, who will be ordering a background check for me.

That's good, I think. No, scratch that -- it's DEFINITELY good! For starters, they're obviously pushing things through pretty quickly. Gary told me that I would know "what happens next" by next week. That's also good right? I mean, it seems like he's anticipating me not to fail my background check (I'm pretty sure I won't) and I should hear in about a week.

Holy crap.

I have been wanting this job since it came across my radar -- a proverbial "sign" if you will. I am desperately hoping and praying that I'm not misreading the signs, that I'm not getting my hopes up and that things really are going in the direction I think they're going.

Heaven help me.

Idle hands

Boredom does not suit me.

To say that the above statement is 'putting it mildly' is beyond understatement. As a child, boredom brought out my curiosity and mischievous side. As an adult, it creates an inclination toward self-destructive behavior. While I don't drink out of boredom or do drugs or indulge in other bad habits, I tend to indulge emotional whims. I flirt, I fixate on negative things, I act like an idiot.

Admitting it is the first step, right? Let's see how I can grow from this realization.

Back in the saddle.

Tonight was my first run (well, first time exercising even) since my race . . . Gosh, how I lost that fast! It's been a month (shame on me, I know), but I was astonished at how quickly I tuckered out. It was a simple 2.03 mile loop, but I think I ran about 1.5 miles . . . maybe.

Granted, I'm carrying a few more pounds than I'd like to be (I don't know what encouraged me to keep eating the way I was eating when I was training -- it's not like I was doing anything to work off those calories), but I know those will fall off eventually.

I want to run a half marathon this fall and I want to run it sub-2:15. That would put me at a consistent 10:30/mile, which I could be proud of.

Today was a GREAT day, all things considered. Last night, I stayed awake thinking of my old life in Fresno and missing it terribly, trying to figure out a way that I could go back. I have to wonder if I'm supposed to, though. Aside from my friend Alex, I didn't know anyone when I moved to Fresno. I had to make friends quickly, I had to adjust. I didn't look back.

I have to wonder if I'm not supposed to be going forward still now. That maybe somehow I sabotage my own efforts at working towards a solid future by my self doubt and hangups of my own inadequacies. In a bible study I recently did, Beth Moore (one of my favorite Christian writers) asked women what they felt was the hardest part about being a woman. One answered, "That I am too much and not enough all at the same time." I couldn't agree more.

I'm weak, broken and worn, but I draw strength from the knowledge that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In the meantime, I try not to worry about tomorrow . . . or next week . . . or the one after that. I know it will happen in due time, in God's time. Whatever "it" is, it will happen. I trust that and keeping that in mind today, in spite of less than 2 hours of sleep, I was cheerful, alert, productive and able to make good choices throughout the day (not just in working out again, but in how I dealt with others and how I chose to respond to situations).

I am stronger than I realize, and yet I still don't seem able to believe it.

My mind keeps me awake at night. Lately I've been thinking about my life and where it's going. Tonight, I am haunted by thoughts of moving back to Fresno. Not an if, really, but a when. I have never been someone who lived life looking in the rearview mirror, but what I wouldn't trade to be back working with my kiddos, climbing when I had the chance, and being part of the community I love . . .


It almost hurts to think about how much I miss my life in Fresno. I'm trusting that God's watching out for me right now, especially since things aren't so clear at the moment. But if I knew I would be able to support myself, pay for car insurance and have health insurance benefits with my old job, I'd move in a heartbeat.


Things to think and pray about, for sure.