This is my 200th post and I'm happy to say, that the meeting with Alex went very well. I don't mean to sound trite, but it really did.
I left San Jose around 7 on Sunday morning, stopping for coffee before I hit the road, of course. After a couple of hours driving (I must have been serious -- I made the drive in just under two hours when it normally takes about 2:45), I hit Borders, where I would be meeting Alex.
My stomach was practicing its acrobatic routine, I couldn't stop fidgeting. On the ride up to Elk Grove, I'd thought things through and decided on what I wanted to say. Of course, seeing him . . . all those things that were articulate, well-put and sounded good flew right out of my brain.
We sat in Borders and chitchatted for a bit. I stammered and could barely hold eye contact with him -- so nervous! -- as I told him about what I'd been thinking, feeling and experiencing leading up to our big conversation. I apologized for hurting him. I told him that I was wrong for ending things.
I told him about how and why I was feeling like a hypocrite.
I didn't cry, I didn't beg, I just calmly explained that I knew he had no reason to trust me here, but if he was willing to try again, I was willing to try to be a better girlfriend. I told him, that most importantly, I didn't want him to think I came to meet him with an agenda (even though I kinda did). I told him that I understood that he was hurt and that I wasn't in a position to really ask much of anything, but if he wanted to take some time to think about things, that was okay with me.
"I need to know that you are 100% sure," he said. "Because I can't go through that again."
My heart ached hearing the pain in his voice, but I nodded and told him that I was sure.
"I wouldn't have asked to meet you if I really wasn't sure."
He nodded and we got quiet for a few minutes. We were walking around at this point and the conversation turned away from the serious stuff. Some more conversation, joking and just talking -- partly because that's what's natural for us, but I'm sure on some level it was to avoid the elephant in the room.
Finally, we circled back into Borders and perused the literature section. As I stared at Lewis Carroll and Vladimir Nabokov (yeah, that's a spectrum alright), he said, "Okay . . . I don't want to wait. I don't want to sit here and pretend like I'm thinking about it."
My nervous, worrywort self was surprisingly at peace -- looking at him, looking into his eyes, I could tell -- he forgave me, he understood.
"I wouldn't have come here if I didn't think we could work this out," he said.
He grabbed my hand and smiled. I smiled back. And then he leaned in and kissed me. And that feeling? The one I get when he kisses me and I can feel it in the floor?
Yeah, that was still there. :)
(My apologies for such a late update -- this week has been a whirlwind, to say the least.)
Other happy reportings . . .
- Candidate Jim is doing well, I think. The campaign is in full swing as we're getting to crunch time -- election is June 8.
- Our department's vice president paid me a compliment today -- it was simple, but it made my day
- I've been writing!! In the last few weeks, I've written a few press releases and there is talk of more writing. Initially, this was incredibly daunting, but I'm really enjoying it
- The fancy dinner went well . . . can't remember if I posted about that, but my Congressman thinks I'm cool. Awesome. :)