Thursday, January 22, 2009
I wish I could find the enthusiasm and motivation to climb some mountains. Significant ones.
"Escape" seems a little too . . . unattainable, and frankly, not all that desireable. Really, just some genuine retreat would be nice. I'm burning out and I can feel it settling into my heart, my body and the way I'm looking at the world. I know I'm pressuring myself to take on a lot of big challenges and my environment isn't conducive to my success, but I still try.
Right now, I just need respite. Even though I'm going to Fresno this weekend, I'm not going to see rest. I have people to visit and stuff to do, which still manages to creep that little bit of extra pressure . . .
I'm looking forward to the drive. Just over two hours to myself. Me, my iPod, and the road . . . where I can really unwind. I'm reaching the tipping point with running. Where it's becoming so much of a habit that it's hard to take "rest" days and NOT run . . . This is exciting. I had that a few months ago, but somehow, distraction, getting sick and overall apathy sunk in and it's been that much harder to get back into it.
I have much to be thankful for, but with the pressure I've been putting myself under, I feel hostile, easily upset and annoyed most of the time.
I hate this feeling.
I pray for clarity, strength and release. Every day gets a little easier, for the most part, but it's reminding myself that the day isn't over yet that often gets hard and challenges my attitude that much more.
Jake and I have a date night on Saturday night. Dinner and hang out time. Hopefully, just some nice, quiet time to talk and relax. I'm so looking forward to it, it almost makes me cry. No joke.
I don't know when I became such an introvert, but it's here and (it would seem) here to stay. I find people draining and over-stimulating at times and right now, I'd love to take a people-vacation. The idea of curling up in bed and sleeping for a week sounds pretty darn amazing. Maybe next Saturday I'll spend some time in Monterey . . . That would be lovely.