Patience is a virtue.

I am not a patient person. I just am not.

I'm the girl in the movie theatre thinking about her to-do list and having a hard time actually enjoying the flick. I'm the one who will check Wikipedia for movie endings so if at any point, I decide there's something better to do than sit and watch a movie, I can leave and feel satisfied in my choice to not stick it out.

I'm the girl who gives up so many projects because I don't have the patience and the resilience to see it through.

I jumped into bed tonight ready to catch up on some magazine reading. I grabbed my latest issue of "Runner's World," but also picked up "Linchpin" from the floor, another magazine and a book by Jeff Galloway. Seriously? I honestly think I'll make it through all of that? Perhaps this is why so many of my books remain unread for so long - I give up before I get going.

I had a hard time tonight on the phone with Alex. He's in Alaska with his family on vacation and I am wishing I could be with him, but I know there are some boundaries to respect and it's not really the time for family-type vacations yet. Or maybe it is . . . I don't really know, but the timing of the trip and such didn't lend itself to me tagging along. And that's when all the thoughts of the "we need to talk" variety start brewing - I start feeling excluded, like he bottles things up, that I'm not really a part of his life . . . blahblahblah.

I could (and should) be looking into a mirror as I'm saying that. It would be the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. I want to trust that Alex will be a leader in the relationship, though I still feel like I'm very Fresno-cultured in the sense that I'm expecting things to move quickly. Our one-year anniversary is coming up next month and it was one year ago this weekend (I visited him for Fourth of July last year) that we both started to see that there were some feelings for each other. In my last relationship, marriage was brought into the discussion EARLY. Partly, I think, because in Fresno (a very conservative area of California) it's not uncommon to see people getting married before they graduate college. Partly, I think, because we were young and in love and when you're young and in love, it's hard not to believe in the potential and beauty of your relationship.

So all of this nonsense, this tizzy is spinning in my head and I'm feeling so anxious, so discontent, so ready to call Alex back and unload on him about "Why aren't we making longterm plans yet?" and "When will we actually go camping like we've been saying we're wanting to do for so long now?" and "Are you actually GOING to teach me how to ski?!"

It's all a bit much.

I calm myself long enough to consciously choose to demonstrate love to him and to wait for an appropriate time to start talking about the future. I recognize that things don't have to move at a lightning fast pace, that it's okay if we're not married in a year . . . it's okay if we're not married in five. Toto, we're not in Fresno anymore. Things will happen as they're meant to, we'll go camping eventually and gosh darnit, I WILL get the boy to teach me how to ski. (Namely because I think he'll really get a kick out of me strapped to 2x4's and the lack of grace with which I'll accomplish this. And man, do I love to hear him laugh.)

As my subconscious mea culpa, I sent him a text telling him that I love him -- in all caps, like I'm in 4th grade. "I LOVE YOU ALEX D_____!"

Not more than a few seconds go by and my phone chirps -- "I love you too, Robyn H___. You are by far the best part of me."

And now I'm all choked up from the sweetness of it and so incredibly grateful to be with such a wonderful guy who puts up with my crazy, calms my nerves, stands beside me and loves me so much . . . even if he doesn't realize he does all of that and more.

I wanna dance with somebody!

This song, as dorky as this may sound, might be one of my all-time favorites. It's so happy, so energetic and when I hear it, yes, I do wanna dance with somebody. Namely a certain boy who lives in South Lake Tahoe.

Today is the first "official" day back in the office. Several of us worked here and there through the holidays (the only mandatory days off were the 24th & 25th and the 31st & 1st), but it was so quiet and goodness knows we didn't exactly crank out 8 hours worth of work on the days we were here. (The bosses okay'ed that, though. I swear.)

Last night, I stayed up waaaaaaaaaay too late talking to this handsome boy I'm dying to dance with (the last time we danced together was at a friend's wedding in 2007 - dang!) finalizing plans for my birthday. I am so jazzed about what we'll be doing that I had a hard time talking myself into going to sleep. This is becoming a recurring theme -- the last several nights Alex and I have talked have resulted in semi-sleeplessness for me because I'm so excited about some of the plans we're making together.

Why can't I be one of those normal people who can simply breathe, smile and drift into sleep knowing that something will happen eventually? Not me. I'm the one who's W-I-D-E awake thinking about all of the possibilities.

So even in my tired state, I'm still really stoked. My birthday (which I like to celebrate in the tradition of a national holiday) happens to fall on a Saturday this year (no deliberation over whether to go to work - yay!). Alex will be joining me in San Jose for the weekend and we'll be playing my favorite game -- "Bay area tourist."

On the to-do list: cross the Golden Gate Bridge, see the Winchester Mystery House (which will be the third trip for me in the last 2 months) and go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Monterey is one of my favorite places in the world and the Aquarium is just so much fun. (Not to sound snobby, but my mom and I visited the National Aquarium in Baltimore several years ago -- we walked away thinking that the "national" aquarium needed to up the ante because it had nothing on Monterey.)

I am beside myself with excitement. And I might need a nap soon.

He loves me? Yeah! He LOVES me!!!

Friday, Alex came to visit me. It was already going to be such a sweet visit since we haven't seen each other for a little over a month, so I was looking forward to just being able to curl up on the couch with him and feel his arms around me.

In the midst of our cuddling (and smooching -- I won't lie), he lamented that he wished Tahoe were closer to San Jose (for those unfamiliar with California geography, it's approx. a four-hour drive). I told him, "Well, just so you know . . . I don't want to make a big thing of this and I don't want you to feel like you have to talk about it if you don't want to but . . . things seem to really be going well for us. Great even. If things are still progressing, still great in a year and a half or so, I'd like to talk about relocation. Namely, that I would have the option to move closer to you."

I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I know that it's an opener for something else . . . Whatever that is, I don't really know. I'd like to have my own special event coordination business someday -- something that would allow me to make a comfortable income but also provide an opportunity to work from home if I want to homeschool my kids or even just be at home with them. But obviously, that's something for the future and not even really planned for yet. I digress . . .

I wish I could have taken a picture of the smile on his face when I said that. He seemed so pleased that I would even be willing to make such a large gesture like that for him. I reiterated that it wouldn't be for a while, and that we didn't really have to talk about it if it seemed uncomfortable to him, but he assured me that there was no discomfort about it.

Flash forward some more snuggly-smoochy cuddling and finally I blurted it out . . .

"I love you, Alex."

"I love you, too."

And then . . . in a uniquely Robyn way, all I could think to say was, "Really? Because you don't have to say that if you don't want to . . . if you're not ready to or whatever."

(I know . . . leave it to me to squish a really sweet moment, right?)

He then told me that he was thinking about saying it for a while now, but wasn't quite sure if the sentiment would be reciprocated. I thought it was cute that he used 'reciprocated' in this context.

One day, I think we'll look back on this as the start of something beautiful, but for now it's a cutesy-chuckle-worthy moment in our relationship that blossomed perfectly in the most understatedly wonderful way.



(Have you gagged yet? I'm so sorry . . .)

Baby steps . . .

So I didn't wake up at the unholy hour of 5:30 this morning, I settled for 6:30. Or rather, I woke up around 5:30, but kept resetting the alarm and hitting the snooze button until 6:30. To-may-to, to-mah-to, right? Baby steps . . .

Anyway . . . Still feeling pretty awake. Relatively rested despite a marathon phone conversation with A that lasted until 12:30-ish. How are we able to talk sooooooo long about what seems like nothing??? I mean, I learn something new about him with every conversation, which is amazing, but it seems like we cycle through fairly uninteresting questions that always end up turning into long discussions. Clearly, the boy and I will be able to chat for years to come . . . or so it would seem.

He's pretty stinkin' awesome. I'm a lucky girl, indeed. :o)

Today it is pouring in Palo Alto and San Jose. I will be needing to hit up Target after work for an umbrella, but I'm so excited about the weather. I felt the flick-flick-flick of tiny rain spatter on my face waking up this morning (slept with the window open -- rain was blowing in a little bit).

Bliss.

I love the rain. Alex and I have talked about how cool it would be to live in Portland or Seattle, where it rains a great deal.

Of course, prolonged rain does get depressing after a while, but generally speaking I love it. I have a sixth sense for when it's going to rain. I can feel it, smell it, KNOW that it's going to rain . . . Of course, the grey clouds are a pretty big tip off, but even on overcast days, there's something distinctly different that goes along with the rain.

Tonight, on the way home, I'm picking up broth, green onions and a few other ingredients I'm missing so I can make potato soup.

Will blog about how this turns out . . .