Motivation

Sometimes, you gotta fake it 'till you make it.

Some days, that's exactly how I feel about running. Even though I've logged many miles in the last two years, I still don't know if I feel like a runner. I am, I know I am, but there are days when I don't feel it.

I hope this passes.

In the mean time, I'm runnin' hard, trainin' hard and smiling through it all. After all, attitude is everything and pretty soon the mood will follow suit.

Working on it

A list of things I'm working on . . . because honesty is the best policy.

*Patience
Learning to be more patient with Alex, with my coworkers, and with myself. I often expect quick turnaround from Alex with regard to text messages and phone calls and it can be frustrating if he doesn't return them in that time frame. It's a little much to expect of the poor, technologically-independent boy. Learning to be patient with my coworkers for their little quirks and 'isms' will definitely help me keep my blood pressure down when things are already chaotic and there are more hoops to jump through. Learning to be patient with myself will help me not feel so frustrated and want to give up when I'm trying to run more, lose weight, climb more, etc. It will help me see that I'm still successful even if it's taking a little longer to reach my ultimate goal.

*Productivity
I'm really trying to contribute more to my office than just the bare minimum. Some days it is really hard to remain motivated, but I'm working on that too.

*Having more fun
I generally consider myself to be a funloving person. Sometimes I just need to make that happen in more tangible ways. Climbing is fun, going out for pie is fun, long runs are fun (even if I'm not at the level I once was -- I'll get there!), trails are fun, being outdoors is fun, cooking is fun, getting a beer with friends is fun, video chatting with Alex is fun . . .

Just a short list for now, but a detailed one. Maybe some more later . . . Er, maybe some more (concise) posts later.

Patience is a virtue.

I am not a patient person. I just am not.

I'm the girl in the movie theatre thinking about her to-do list and having a hard time actually enjoying the flick. I'm the one who will check Wikipedia for movie endings so if at any point, I decide there's something better to do than sit and watch a movie, I can leave and feel satisfied in my choice to not stick it out.

I'm the girl who gives up so many projects because I don't have the patience and the resilience to see it through.

I jumped into bed tonight ready to catch up on some magazine reading. I grabbed my latest issue of "Runner's World," but also picked up "Linchpin" from the floor, another magazine and a book by Jeff Galloway. Seriously? I honestly think I'll make it through all of that? Perhaps this is why so many of my books remain unread for so long - I give up before I get going.

I had a hard time tonight on the phone with Alex. He's in Alaska with his family on vacation and I am wishing I could be with him, but I know there are some boundaries to respect and it's not really the time for family-type vacations yet. Or maybe it is . . . I don't really know, but the timing of the trip and such didn't lend itself to me tagging along. And that's when all the thoughts of the "we need to talk" variety start brewing - I start feeling excluded, like he bottles things up, that I'm not really a part of his life . . . blahblahblah.

I could (and should) be looking into a mirror as I'm saying that. It would be the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. I want to trust that Alex will be a leader in the relationship, though I still feel like I'm very Fresno-cultured in the sense that I'm expecting things to move quickly. Our one-year anniversary is coming up next month and it was one year ago this weekend (I visited him for Fourth of July last year) that we both started to see that there were some feelings for each other. In my last relationship, marriage was brought into the discussion EARLY. Partly, I think, because in Fresno (a very conservative area of California) it's not uncommon to see people getting married before they graduate college. Partly, I think, because we were young and in love and when you're young and in love, it's hard not to believe in the potential and beauty of your relationship.

So all of this nonsense, this tizzy is spinning in my head and I'm feeling so anxious, so discontent, so ready to call Alex back and unload on him about "Why aren't we making longterm plans yet?" and "When will we actually go camping like we've been saying we're wanting to do for so long now?" and "Are you actually GOING to teach me how to ski?!"

It's all a bit much.

I calm myself long enough to consciously choose to demonstrate love to him and to wait for an appropriate time to start talking about the future. I recognize that things don't have to move at a lightning fast pace, that it's okay if we're not married in a year . . . it's okay if we're not married in five. Toto, we're not in Fresno anymore. Things will happen as they're meant to, we'll go camping eventually and gosh darnit, I WILL get the boy to teach me how to ski. (Namely because I think he'll really get a kick out of me strapped to 2x4's and the lack of grace with which I'll accomplish this. And man, do I love to hear him laugh.)

As my subconscious mea culpa, I sent him a text telling him that I love him -- in all caps, like I'm in 4th grade. "I LOVE YOU ALEX D_____!"

Not more than a few seconds go by and my phone chirps -- "I love you too, Robyn H___. You are by far the best part of me."

And now I'm all choked up from the sweetness of it and so incredibly grateful to be with such a wonderful guy who puts up with my crazy, calms my nerves, stands beside me and loves me so much . . . even if he doesn't realize he does all of that and more.