Sometimes

Just sometimes . . .

I feel like I'm too willing to help, like I'm especially eager-to-please or that I come across as being a little too available.

This gets me in trouble in the sense that I take on more than I probably should. I've always suffered from bittenoffmorethanIcanchewitis. It's a tragic, chronic condition I'm afraid.

So I'm practicing the art of saying, "No."

It seems so . . . revolutionary. It's a simple word, but man if it doesn't pack a punch sometimes . . . Of course, I am well aware that in certain environments (e.g. work), "No" might not be the best answer to give and generally it's advisable to say "Of course I can help" or "I'd love to lend a hand" or "Yes, I'll show you where the pencils are (again)" as many times as necessary, so my "No" policy will be a bit more lax there.

But my weekends? They are mine. I get to decide how much of my time anyone else gets. If there's one thing squeezing in gym workouts and as much sleep as I can has taught me in the last several weeks (okay, months), it's that it's okay to put myself first sometimes.

200th Post!

This is my 200th post and I'm happy to say, that the meeting with Alex went very well. I don't mean to sound trite, but it really did.

I left San Jose around 7 on Sunday morning, stopping for coffee before I hit the road, of course. After a couple of hours driving (I must have been serious -- I made the drive in just under two hours when it normally takes about 2:45), I hit Borders, where I would be meeting Alex.

My stomach was practicing its acrobatic routine, I couldn't stop fidgeting. On the ride up to Elk Grove, I'd thought things through and decided on what I wanted to say. Of course, seeing him . . . all those things that were articulate, well-put and sounded good flew right out of my brain.

We sat in Borders and chitchatted for a bit. I stammered and could barely hold eye contact with him -- so nervous! -- as I told him about what I'd been thinking, feeling and experiencing leading up to our big conversation. I apologized for hurting him. I told him that I was wrong for ending things.

I told him about how and why I was feeling like a hypocrite.

I didn't cry, I didn't beg, I just calmly explained that I knew he had no reason to trust me here, but if he was willing to try again, I was willing to try to be a better girlfriend. I told him, that most importantly, I didn't want him to think I came to meet him with an agenda (even though I kinda did). I told him that I understood that he was hurt and that I wasn't in a position to really ask much of anything, but if he wanted to take some time to think about things, that was okay with me.

"I need to know that you are 100% sure," he said. "Because I can't go through that again."

My heart ached hearing the pain in his voice, but I nodded and told him that I was sure.

"I wouldn't have asked to meet you if I really wasn't sure."

He nodded and we got quiet for a few minutes. We were walking around at this point and the conversation turned away from the serious stuff. Some more conversation, joking and just talking -- partly because that's what's natural for us, but I'm sure on some level it was to avoid the elephant in the room.

Finally, we circled back into Borders and perused the literature section. As I stared at Lewis Carroll and Vladimir Nabokov (yeah, that's a spectrum alright), he said, "Okay . . . I don't want to wait. I don't want to sit here and pretend like I'm thinking about it."

My nervous, worrywort self was surprisingly at peace -- looking at him, looking into his eyes, I could tell -- he forgave me, he understood.

"I wouldn't have come here if I didn't think we could work this out," he said.

He grabbed my hand and smiled. I smiled back. And then he leaned in and kissed me. And that feeling? The one I get when he kisses me and I can feel it in the floor?

Yeah, that was still there. :)

(My apologies for such a late update -- this week has been a whirlwind, to say the least.)

Other happy reportings . . .
- Candidate Jim is doing well, I think. The campaign is in full swing as we're getting to crunch time -- election is June 8.
- Our department's vice president paid me a compliment today -- it was simple, but it made my day
- I've been writing!! In the last few weeks, I've written a few press releases and there is talk of more writing. Initially, this was incredibly daunting, but I'm really enjoying it
- The fancy dinner went well . . . can't remember if I posted about that, but my Congressman thinks I'm cool. Awesome. :)

Meet me in Elk Grove.

Alex and I are meeting in Elk Grove to talk on Sunday. Poetically enough, it's the halfway point between our respective places. We've been talking a bit this week and so far it's been good. I've hinted at how I've been feeling and we've both said we were missing each other. It's been good to talk to him.

I'm really hoping things go well on Sunday. I have a lot to say, a lot to explain, and a lot to ask for. I don't know what to expect, but I'm trusting that all things will work out as they should.

I mean, that's the only thing I can hope for, right? I'm trying to keep a more Zen mindframe about this -- I'm a compulsive, stresses-too-easily worry wort who fixates and obsesses over 'the unknown factor.' Right here, the X factor is how the conversation will go, what happens next, what is our relationship going to look like in 72 hours (friends? best friends? boyfriend/girlfriend? all of the above?)

And yet, I'm so surprisingly at peace with the game plan now. Probably more at peace than I have been in two weeks. That's saying something.

Speak.

Alex and I talked briefly last night, long enough to exchange the "Hi. How are you?"s, "I'm doing pretty well"s, and agree to talk at a later time. Before midnight, he sent me a text saying, "I haven't been fine. I miss you. I hope to talk to you tomorrow."

Ouch. I replied that I missed him too. He has class tonight and I'm hoping he'll call me afterwards . . . and trying to decide if I'll call him if he doesn't.

Going for a run now . . . just to clear my head. And because I've been eating a ton of junk lately. (Not mood-influenced, more busy-schedule-influenced.)

Sooner still.

I can't be at peace. I teeter totter from "I'm okay with this" to "I need to talk to him." I know this time and space is supposed to be good, but a dear friend reminded me that there aren't rules for this thing.

I feel like I would leave in a heartbeat to drive the (almost) 5 hours just to stand on his lawn with a boombox over my head. It's THAT serious.

I feel like a moron, a hypocrite and a horrible person for having hurt him. I wonder if he'll even forgive me, though. :(

Something's missing.

I can't shake the overwhelming feeling that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.

I feel like I have lost my best friend. I feel lost. I know it's only been a few days, but I'm praying for some clarity.

I miss him so much and without being able to even talk to him, something is so clearly missing. I question my own reasons for ending things -- I can't believe I ever dared think I was anything less than happy with him. I feel like a hypocrite for expecting some amazing communication from him, but not even giving that in return.

I am trying to believe that this is just my initial, knee-jerk response to the break up, but something deep down is missing and I would give up so much to make it come back.

Over.

Alex and I broke up tonight.

It's been weighing on my heart lately that we weren't really moving in the same direction, that we weren't growing as a couple. I felt like that was just my own doubt slipping in, my own negative chatter in my head. But the longer and harder I looked at things, the more apparent that it became that it was completely true.

And that hurts. The weight of that truth is so oppressively painful. The decision to end things now, while we both still have a chance at walking away more intact than if we broke up later down the road, was so hard. So, so hard. And part of me feels like I have given up.

I'm still questioning whether I made the right decision, even though I know deep down that it couldn't have really worked -- that there were very real factors working against us that were beyond the 'long distance' element, and that they were things that, try as we might, couldn't be helped.

I spent 3 1/2 years in a relationship before this that ended (for me) so seamlessly, painlessly -- but only because we had been falling apart for so long, had been in a bad place for months. Alex did nothing wrong, things were fine, but I still haven't been happy with 'us' for a long time and this still feels like such a shock.

I didn't think we'd split up today, it wasn't on my radar. It just kind of happened. And as painful as it is now, I still feel like this is the calm before the storm.